Happiness again?

I think about this a lot.  I battled depression and anxiety before Dallas’s illness ever came about 3 years ago.  I was actually getting into a pretty good lace, or so I thought and then the using drugs and illness came.  We of course upped my meds and tried our best to find a combination that worked.  If you’ve ever taken medicines for these illnesses, you know the correct dose and combinations of meds is so important.  It’s completely trial and error.

Will I ever be “happy” again?  Part of me doubts that will ever happen.  I wasn’t truly “happy” before all this and now I’ve not taken just one step back, but millions.  Do I want to be happy again? Of course, I do.

I want to find joy and happiness for myself and for my children.  I want Delanie to see me as I once was.  Madelyn has never even really known me as the happy person I used to be.  I want that so badly for them.

I have concert tickets to 3 different concerts in the next 2 months.  I was so excited when I bought them, but now I just can’t see myself going at all.  How can I go and even attempt to have a good time when the guilt I would feel would eat me alive?  I’m very much contemplating selling them.  I could use the money and I don’t have anyone to go with me anyway.  (Pathetic sounding, I know, but the truth)

I have a lot of work to do in getting past many, many feelings I’m dealing with now.  Maybe far down the road, I will be able to go places and find joy and happiness in it.


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