I think about this a lot. I battled depression and anxiety before Dallas’s illness ever came about 3 years ago. I was actually getting into a pretty good lace, or so I thought and then the using drugs and illness came. We of course upped my meds and tried our best to find a combination that worked. If you’ve ever taken medicines for these illnesses, you know the correct dose and combinations of meds is so important. It’s completely trial and error.
Will I ever be “happy” again? Part of me doubts that will ever happen. I wasn’t truly “happy” before all this and now I’ve not taken just one step back, but millions. Do I want to be happy again? Of course, I do.
I want to find joy and happiness for myself and for my children. I want Delanie to see me as I once was. Madelyn has never even really known me as the happy person I used to be. I want that so badly for them.
I have concert tickets to 3 different concerts in the next 2 months. I was so excited when I bought them, but now I just can’t see myself going at all. How can I go and even attempt to have a good time when the guilt I would feel would eat me alive? I’m very much contemplating selling them. I could use the money and I don’t have anyone to go with me anyway. (Pathetic sounding, I know, but the truth)
I have a lot of work to do in getting past many, many feelings I’m dealing with now. Maybe far down the road, I will be able to go places and find joy and happiness in it.