How are you? Are you okay?

I get these questions a few times a week from actual concerned friends and family.  I never how I should respond to these.

I will never be okay, ever again.  I truly did think I had prepared myself for this possibility, but like I’ve said in the past;  I was robbed of what opportunity and time I thought I had.  She was supposed to start feel symptoms again, call me or an ambulance, go back to the hospital, and come home with hospice.  I would lay with her in the hospital bed in her room, talk about things that needed to be said (even if they were already known).  Listen to music, relive the fun past times, sleep in a chair holding her hand.

I was robbed of all these things.

I pray daily she knew how much I really loved her and how I had begged and pleaded with God to help her and save her just one more time.  A friend of hers told me at the visitation how Dallas was so proud of me and how I raised the kids as a single mom.  Things like this get me through bad times.

So how am I?  I’m devastated, I’m heartbroken, I have a hole in my heart that will never mend, I’m exhausted, I’m emotional (rollercoaster), I’m holding it together for my girls (most days), I’m faking a smile (most days),  I’m working because I have no other choice, I’m lonely, I’m angry/pissed off, I’m worried something will happen to me and the girls will be orphans, I’m a lot of things….

So if you know someone that has lost a loved one (especially a child), maybe don’t ask how they are or if they’re okay.  Tell them you love them, there are no words to express the loss, you think about them often, you’re praying for them, memories of their child.  The biggest fear is their child being forgotten as all the other kids their age move on with their lives.

❤ y’all!

Debbi

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