A trauma response?

I had never heard this term until yesterday at therapy. 

I have been asked if I have anything in my mind that plays over and over like a record never stopping. Years ago when asked this, I immediately answered no. Later after thinking about it, I have things like that all the time. Not just 1 thought, but many thoughts over and over again. When I get up, all day on and off, and before I go to sleep. 

This is anxiety. Another thing I never really thought I had. It has been added to my many acronyms of diagnoses over the last 3 years. 

The most recent of these thoughts is what led to my trauma response. It started as a simple night out with dinner at a local restaurant. Heading to my next destination,  I stopped in stand still traffic. More blue and yellow lights than I’ve ever seen. As we crept forward all the way to the left lane of 5 lanes of traffic, I noticed police officers blocking the road a good ways back from the ambulance. They were walking the pavement with their flashlights down appearing to be looking for something very specific. That’s when I saw what I will never forget and can’t get out of my head. A person in the roadway. A body covered with a thin sheet. What happened? I’ve played out every scenario possible. Were they committing suicide, were they homeless walking the interstate to get home, were they walking to get help from a broken down car?  These thoughts just kept bothering me all night. The next morning there was just one simple paragraph about the accident. No name or circumstances mentioned. Nothing has been mentioned since. 

This was Saturday and today is Wednesday. When I can let this go? Why can’t I let it go? Why do I need closure? 

I am having traumatic reaction due to my most recent tragedy. I need to know this person has been identified, taken care of, returned to their family. You see my greatest fear for my daughter was her passing away on the side of some road or under a bridge and no one knowing her or how to get in touch with me. She had no identification on her and no phone. 

I fear this person (someone’s child, parent,sibling) is laying in a morgue going unidentified. I’m working on letting this go and praying me getting it out here will help. 

❤ y’all 


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