As I sit and watch the parade this morning with my girls, I realize this is truly the beginning of what is going to be the longest hardest month of my life.
I’m taken back to all of the Thanksgivings I took for granted. The ones growing up where I sat in front of the tv with my aunts and cousins watching the parade. All of the ones where it was just my mom, the older 2, and me. The ones after my mom remarried and there were so many people it was at first overwhelming (I am an only child after all). The ones after Delanie was born and Tim joined us. The most recent after Madelyn’s birth that unfortunately have been a blur of chaos, sickness, and sadness.
But this year will be so totally different. A piece of me is missing and forever will be. Yes, I have Madelyn and I am truly thankful God saw that I would always need to have a piece of my baby with me. It’s not the same. Never again will I want a family picture at Thanksgiving, because there will be at blank spot where her beautiful smiling face should be.
I will make it through today as I have up until now. The mask of being okay will be put on well before leaving my house. Courtney keeps telling me to grieve and have what would be considered a “normal” reaction to losing a child. I can’t. I’m terrified if I cry I won’t be able to stop. I will fall quickly into the dark, black hole I have been in before. I also seem to make others uncomfortable already when I talk about her. I can’t imagine what it would be like to cry in front of them. Even in my worst moments of my life, I’m concerned about others. Major flaw of mine.
Tomorrow will bring it’s own memories of Black Friday shopping with her and my mom. Saturday will be the worst as I get out decorations for Christmas. I have to do it for the girls, but not because I want to.
Do I hang her stocking? Her ornaments bought through the years on the tree? I will decide as we go, I guess.