I truly had no idea it would be as hard as it was. I mean I made it through Madelyn’s birthday party with just a few tears before everyone arrived and it was just she and I.
I walked in with some other family members and amongst the happy laughter and joyous greetings, I immediately felt the tears come. No longer was I even able to pretend to have a mask on. I immediately set my things down in another room and made my way to the bathroom. There I cried for quite while. I finally got myself together although my nose and eyes were very red. I returned to what is known at my mom’s house as the living room no one uses. Thankfully by then, my son had arrived and we sat together for a little while on the couch. I say that, but it also kind of made me sad. You see, the two of them were almost inseparable when younger. They are only 17 months apart. When being with one, I almost always expect to see the other.
I took some more medicine for my anxiety, and I was able to hold it together the rest of the day. I have noticed that I seem to make other people (not just family) uncomfortable. I know they feel like they don’t know what to say or if they should even mention her name. That’s totally the thing about losing a child and them being forgotten, because no one speaks their name. I don’t like my “new normal”.
Friday, the girls and I put up the Christmas tree. They had fun decorating it, and I love it. It is mostly Hallmark ornaments I have bought each year with different themes for each child. Dallas always got Barbie ornaments. The ornaments are all hanging on the lowest branches possible, except for a few I helped them hang high up. Madelyn’s favorite is a replica of my old Mickey Mouse phone that actually talks when you push the buttons. I told Delanie I would need to do decorations in stages. I have yet to get out the stockings. Hang her stocking? She will just be erased if I don’t, but it’ll be sad sitting and looking at an empty one.
Saturday, we returned to my mom’s house to help decorate her 2 trees. This time, even with the same people, I was able to make it the whole day with no tears.
I’m not sure why I feel the need to hold in the tears all the time. Courtney asked me if I had anyone I am comfortable with that I could actually cry and let myself grieve with. Sadly, there really isn’t anyone. Why do I feel the need to be so strong? I hate to cry in front of anyone. Courtney thinks it’s maybe because I don’t feel like my feelings matter to others. That sounds so sad. I don’t want the girls to see me cry. Delanie has watched me cry over the situation with Dallas for 2 years, and she needs no more worries or anxiety in her life.
I do have to grieve. I know I do. I can not hold it all in for years like I did with my Daddy. I hope to work on this soon.