Today is 6 months (184 days) since you went to sleep and woke up with God. Thank you so much for letting me know that. The peace that gives me is unmeasurable. The worry i had of you suffering and needing me was killing me. Of course, it’s been more than 6 months since I’ve heard your voice, hugged you, argued with you :), watched you with Madelyn. My heart being broken is an understatement.
I miss you so much it physically hurts. At times, when I think about you not being here, it takes my breath away.
Madelyn is growing up so fast. She asks about you all the time and wants to call you on the phone. I try not to cry when she asks me to talk to you on the phone. She’s taking dance now and reminds me so much of you. Just a dancing diva. She’s started at her new school and is learning so much. Just like you said, she’s writing letters to you. Her teacher says she is a social butterfly and has never met a stranger. Sounds so familiar.
Delanie is doing okay, but I know she struggles with missing you. She is scared of failing the 3rd grade, but reads on a 9th grade level. You’d be so proud. Everything is such a dramatic event with her. Not much has changed there. She talks about you every time we see owls or gummy bears or a giraffe. Remember that huge bag of gummy bears we bought online? I don’t know how either of you kept from getting sick.
Danny is going to graduate in May and just like you promised, I know you’ll be there. I gave him your love, too. You should see him interact with Madelyn. He’s so funny and sweet to her. He calls her “kid”. She just laughs. He and Delanie don’t see eye to eye on things, but I think it’s because they’re so much alike.
I’m not really doing so well. I try very hard. I don’t cry in front of the girls and I hold it together at work every day. You would be proud of me. I fake it pretty well. I smile and say I’m okay when people ask. I cry in the shower or late at night. I think about how close we were when you were little. Cheering, shopping, birthday parties. I always thought I had time. More time. So much time for us to become best friends. You always said you’d be the one taking care of me when I got old. Now who will?Losing you has changed me. I’ll never be the same person I was and that makes me sad. Madelyn and Delanie deserve a happy carefree mom, but I just can’t fake it that much.
That is all for now. I know you enjoy reading my blog, you told me so. I will write more soon. Tell my Daddy I love him.
I love you my baby girl.