Dear Dallas,

Today is 6 months (184 days) since you went to sleep and woke up with God. Thank you so much for letting me know that.  The peace that gives me is unmeasurable.  The worry i had of you suffering and needing me was killing me. Of course, it’s been more than 6 months since I’ve heard your voice, hugged you, argued with you :), watched you with Madelyn. My heart being broken is an understatement.

I miss you so much it physically hurts. At times, when I think about you not being here, it takes my breath away. 

Madelyn is growing up so fast.  She asks about you all the time and wants to call you on the phone.  I try not to cry when she asks me to talk to you on the phone. She’s taking dance now and reminds me so much of you.  Just a dancing diva. She’s started at her new school and is learning so much.  Just like you said, she’s writing letters to you.  Her teacher says she is a social butterfly and has never met a stranger.  Sounds so familiar.

Delanie is doing okay, but I know she struggles with missing you.  She is scared of failing the 3rd grade, but reads on a 9th grade level.  You’d be so proud. Everything is such a dramatic event with her.  Not much has changed there.  She talks about you every time we see owls or gummy bears or a giraffe.  Remember that huge bag of gummy bears we bought online?  I don’t know how either of you kept from getting sick. 

Danny is going to graduate in May and just like you promised, I know you’ll be there.  I gave him your love, too. You should see him interact with Madelyn. He’s so funny and sweet to her. He calls her “kid”.  She just laughs. He and Delanie don’t see eye to eye on things, but I think it’s because they’re so much alike. 

I’m not really doing so well.  I try very hard.  I don’t cry in front of the girls and I hold it together at work every day.  You would be proud of me. I fake it pretty well. I smile and say I’m okay when people ask. I cry in the shower or late at night. I think about how close we were when you were little. Cheering, shopping, birthday parties. I always thought I had time.  More time. So much time for us to become best friends. You always said you’d be the one taking care of me when I got old. Now who will?Losing you has changed me. I’ll never be the same person I was and that makes me sad. Madelyn and Delanie deserve a happy carefree mom, but I just can’t fake it that much. 

That is all for now. I know you enjoy reading my blog, you told me so. I will write more soon. Tell my Daddy I love him. 

I love you my baby girl. 

Mommy

Surgery Day

I took a few weeks off during the holidays, so now back to Dallas’s story. 

I got to see Dallas for a few minutes the morning of her surgery. Very hard to do knowing she had a very small chance of even making it off the heart/lung machine. The surgeon had asked if I had any questions before the surgery. I had thought all night about what I wanted to know most. I asked if he had children. Indeed, he did. A daughter about Dallas’s age. I asked if he believed in God. Yes, he did. Both of those answers gave me peace. 

They promised to keep me updated through each step. There was a young man that I had watched come in and out of ICU every day updating families. I had memorized his speech. It really didn’t vary from patient to patient. Unfortunately, I wasn’t very nice the first time he’d come around to tell me something. I profusely apologized and was much kinder with each update. The surgery seemed to take forever. Time stood still. 

When he finally came to tell me she had made it off the machine, and they were finishing up, I finally let the tears flow. It’s like I let out a huge breath I had been holding for 10 days. I finally let my fear out and collapsed with exhaustion. 

It would be hours of course before I could see her again. They did replace 2 valves and had to give her a temporary pacemaker. A permanent one would be inserted at a later date. 

She had made it through the toughest part. A miracle from God. My miracle baby girl!

❤ y’all 

Debbi