A year has now come and gone since my first baby girl went to Heaven. How do I feel? Hurt, angry, sad…all of the same emotions I felt from the beginning. Grief isn’t in some linear pattern, but a roller coaster of up and down days. You can measure if you are doing better by how many more up days there are in between down days.
Grief is described as waves in the ocean, roller coaster rides, or even aftershocks after a huge earthquake.
I spent the day with friends and family. Only about an hour alone at the cemetery. I know most people that know me think this was the best plan, because I scare them when I spend too much time alone.
Now, I understand why other grieving mothers have told me the second year is the worst. You’ve survived all the firsts. Now what? It’s like there’s nothing left to do, but be alone in our grief.
I haven’t entered her room or watched home movies. Two things I desperately want to do, but can’t seem to get there. I’d love to just curl up in her bed with her blanket she carried everywhere with her (I put a piece of it in her hand). I want to lie in her bed and smell her blanket and cry and scream. But, I don’t. I want to see and hear her from when she was a baby. Her laugh and beautiful smile. All of the Christmas’ and birthdays captured in color.
Tomorrow will be the anniversary of the visitation. The last day I had her truly to myself while hugging her and doing her hair, make-up, and nails. She would be so proud, because she laughed when I promised to do it. I was brave.