I haven’t written in so long. I’ve been working on me, but honestly just 3 weeks after intensive therapy, I’m back where I was or maybe worse.
How is this possible? I have no idea. How quickly we forget the things I was being told and learning just weeks ago. On top of this there’s PTSD therapy for 12 weeks. I’m 8 weeks in and am slowly moving forward with the idea that I didn’t cause Dallas’ drug issues or ultimate death. I don’t think I’ll ever really believe it, but I know what to say to appear to be getting better. Just like knowing what to say to get released from partial hospitalization therapy.
Now, I sit alone each night as the girls and I have stopped most activities and think. Think about the good times, the bad times, the happy ones, and sad ones. I no longer wear a mask at home and cry almost nightly for my baby girl. Everyone that said the 2nd year was hard was so right. Now our second year of holidays without her. Second year of Madelyn’s birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Day. Missing so many things her little girl is doing.
Now I sit alone still, I’ve been praying for a good man to come and be my partner and best friend. Everyone says to wait on it’ll be on God’s timing. I always laugh at this, because the people telling me this aren’t alone. They have someone to hold them when they’re sad or scared, to laugh with when things are going well, to kiss goodnight. Someone that would miss them when they’re gone.
So this is where I’ve been. Almost back to ground zero and some days below that.